On All The Things I’m Afraid Of
It’s getting colder now. The Winter air is settling in and there’s snow on the mountain peaks. When I’m running or climbing higher the margins for error are smaller. Visibility decreases, the sun sets earlier, footholds are more hidden and will soon be icy.
Every experience in the mountains reminds me of my own mortality - I even run past a hotel/restaurant here sometimes, aptly named ‘the mortal man’.
They also remind me of my past dealings with (near)death: edgy moments in the open sea, getting lost and stuck up high, road accidents, injuries, glass patio doors. My body’s filled with tiny scars, burns and etches from these memories (I call them ‘natural tattoos’); my mind also.
Of all the things that I’m afraid of, there’s many more that I’m not: being alone, being homeless, being poor, being unemployed, being hungry etc, just to name a few. I’m proud of these strengths of mine, largely because they were hard work to achieve - I faced such situations many times (often by choice) many times and became stronger for it, I believe.
Living on, despite our fear of dying, of pain and of loss, is the ultimate act of courage, and anyone alive and still breathing can be proud of that at least. We choose to live, to learn and to fight yet another day.
And what do we learn? ‘Dexterity’, essentially, which is the ‘ability to solve motor unit problems’ (Nicolai Bernstein); meaning any actionable, problem-solving task.
It’s the higher rungs of the dexterous ladders of life that move us most strongly; these difficult, complex and even life-threatening skills that we’ve been forced to develop for time immortal, as a species, whether we like it or not.
Raising children, growing food, hunting, collaborating with our fellow man, the physical and mental capacities to respond to any situation - extreme weather conditions, the loss of a loved one, draughts, pandemics, famine. These essential things are what inspire and excite me the most AND are what I am most afraid of!
There is an energy to that emotion we call FEAR, just as there’s an energy (or a life force) in the mountains, the cold air and the biting wind. There’s an inevitability about it too… stay away from it for so long and it’ll call you out. Ignore it but your heart will continue to hear the whispers through the windows of our safe homes.
Pain is inevitable, they say, but suffering is a choice. Actually we want to, we need to, face our fears - only then do we find peace, control, contentment.
I’m not alone in this, I believe, and I’m certainly not an adrenaline junkie or hardcore adventurist. I’m approaching this topic (and my passion for the great outdoors) from the eyes and mind of a shy, sensitive introvert. Anything supposedly epic or brave I’ve ever done has been through gradual, cautious experiments that slowly build in stature.
The majority of the time, in fact, when stepping things up a notch, I’ve noticed that I’ve had to take another step backwards in order to recover and integrate the experience.
Indeed I could either be especially delicate in this regard or (as I mostly suspect) I’m just human and therefore suffer the same fate as other emotional yet curious humans.
Fear, it seems to me, has an important biological function: to protect the organism from physical threats, from stress beyond a certain manageable limit, from the unknown and (underneath it all) from dying of course! Evolutionarily-speaking it makes sense. Without the capacity to feel and give importance to our fears then our chances of both surviving and reproducing would be significantly less.
I’m afraid of most things in a way, which (without resorting to nihilistic extremes) makes a lot of sense… I’m cautious of authoritative figures above and around me, dubious of the changing weather and shortening days, realistic about relationships and love, and hesitant with regards to too many projects and work commitments.
I’ve learned to build my life around the inevitable limitations and vulnerabilities found in all humans, including (of course) myself. My fears, in this way, I hope guide me towards a more consistent and healthy way of living, moving, working and creating.
As Ido Portal himself importantly points out: “just because something is really difficult, it doesn’t mean we should try to do it”.
It’s not always noble to try to conquer our fears, especially if more important and/or humane avenues are asking for our attention instead. A dead, exhausted or traumatised individual, long term, isn’t good for anyone; least of all themselves.
So here’s to being human, to being afraid of all those many things that we’re afraid of, and to enjoying every moment of this long, delicious ride that is our lives…
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